Someone has determined, scientifically I’m sure, that the Rapture will take place on May 21, 2011. If you’re Christian you will be instantaneously transported to Heaven. So if you were thinking of offing yourself you’d might as well wait–no sense in making a bloody mess of your bedroom.
If you aren’t Christian, you should know that the rest of us are throwing a very big party on the 22nd. We’ll divvy up all the houseplants, pets and gently used clothing that get Left Behind. We’ll also have our way with their liquor cabinets, jewelry, and yachts!
So even if you’re extremely depressed, you’re not going to want to miss out on this. You may even feel the sun shining a little brighter by the 23rd and want to stick around. At least until December of 2012, when we’re all going to be gobbled up by orbs of a hitherto unknown color from another dimension. This is, at any rate, what the New Agers are being told by their Ascended Masters. I’m sure there’s loads of evidence. Somewhere.
Anyway, farewell to my Christian friends! I’ll miss you! I promise to take good care of your ferns. If you see C.S. Lewis up there, tell him I thought the Narnia stories were awesome.